So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
