my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
