Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
