Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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