I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
