At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
