he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
