First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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