I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
