We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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