I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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