her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
