I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
