Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
