So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
