We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
