how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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