My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
That accounts for only three of the penises
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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