I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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