i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
