Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
