Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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