If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
