In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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