gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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