Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
