after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
