I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
