what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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