both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
