Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
