a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
