I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
