Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
