I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
