Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
