the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
