What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How naked do you want me to be?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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