I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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