this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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