I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
