you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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