I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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