Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
