life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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