I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
