if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
