I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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