69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
