Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
